The decision to remain in the closet is impacted more by the fear of loss rather than the prospect of potential gain. MSM don’t come out because they don’t see themselves as gay and don’t want to sacrifice the privileges of being heterosexual. It is like a sailing ship that tacks from port to port in high seas and heavy winds. However, for MSM who have led a heterosexual life, coming out is complex. Early LGBT literature described coming out as a linear process typically completed by the mid-20s. Except for the occasional exposure of some high-profile individuals, these men are virtually invisible.Īlthough people seem to be coming out at younger and younger ages, for various reasons, many MSM do not see coming out as a possibility. If we accept these percentages as valid, the number of MSM who call themselves straight may be greater than the number of men who identify themselves as gay. A study published in 2006 in the Annals of Internal Medicine indicated that nearly 10% of men in New York City who were surveyed and were identified as straight had sex exclusively with men, and nearly 10% of married men had experienced sex with another man in the preceding year. These figures suggest that about 3% of men have sex with men although they do not identify themselves as gay. In Sexual Fluidity: Understanding Women’s Love and Desire, Lisa Diamond, PhD, wrote that the gender of women’s sexual desire may be fluid, but researchers generally agree that men’s homosexual attractions never change and may grow stronger over time.Īccording to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, about 7% of men have sex with men, but gay men are estimated to comprise about 4% of the population. These men believe they are too straight to be gay, but others see them as too gay to be straight. Yet almost nothing has been written about men who have sex with men (MSM). Research on gay men has frequently focused on fidelity and the capacity to sustain long-term relationships. Shortly before I came out to my wife, she had no idea about my conflict concerning my sexual orientation. My wife and I were best friends and had an acceptable sex life. Things suddenly shifted inside my head, and I went from thinking I was straight to knowing I was gay nothing else could explain what I felt.īy most measures, my marriage was good. I know something about breaking rules because I was married with two children when I unexpectedly fell in love with a man. Sexual infidelity is the epitome of “rule breaking” and can disrupt or end meaningful relationships. When the rules are violated, the wrongdoer may be called on to account for his or her behavior. When we are in a relationship, we expect that our partner will keep our interests in mind even if he or she is tempted to disregard the rules. Infidelity and Forgiveness: The Complexities of Coming Out in a Straight RelationshipĪll relationships have rules, but sometimes those rules get broken.